Huh?(*ments)

We finished all our testing to be referred back to our fertility clinic, or so we thought. After the referral was submitted my OB was told it would be automatically denied if we didn't do an updated HSG. So despite the fact that we knew we'd be doing IVF again insurance was insisting I spend their money on an HSG. Whatever. Of course I don't have a period with any regularity, so the doctor gave me Provera again to start my period since they will only do the HSG day 7-9 of my cycle. I took the Provera and my period didn't start. Last month it started within 5 days of the last pill and I remembered previously when I've taken it my period would start during the pills or right after. It's been frustrating waiting but I've been pretty zen. I look at my son and know that every hurdle, every step backward, every obstacle we faced had to be faced in the exact way we experienced it in order for us to be blessed with him. So I know that our journey to another child is what it is for a reason. Not that I don't freak out and lose it sometimes when things don't go as I was planning. This morning, despite having bought 5 Powerball tickets last week and not winning the lottery, I took a pregnancy test.

Cue all sorts of feelings that I can't even begin to sort through. Immediately I was mad. Really mad. After two losses two lines doesn't mean baby to me. Honestly at this point I feel like this is just another delay for us on the road to IVF-which has already been delayed multiple times. I hate that I feel that. It's not fair. It just isn't fair. It isn't fair that I see this and immediately I am hurtled into a world where I feel like I'm waiting for our next miscarriage. It's not fair for me to feel angry when I know there are so many who would do anything to find themselves in my shoes. I'm emotionally overwhelmed right now. I want to be happy. I want to believe we beat the odds. I know plenty of families who have busted the urban legend and get pregnant after infertility treatments on their own. One of the scariest things for me right now is I was on a ton of drugs while pregnant with my son. Things I'm not on right now. My first two pregnancies I wasn't on the drugs and they ended without us holding our babes in our arms. So how could this work out? My OB agreed to progesterone supplements but after consulting our old fertility clinic(not my doctor but another), she decided not to give me the Lovenox. I never had bloodwork in their minds that showed it would help but my RE at the time said it couldn't hurt so she agreed to let me take it. And my son was born full term and healthy so I find myself wondering how this could be different? For now the plan is to do two blood tests 2 days apart to see how the betas look. Of course peeing on a stick only tells you there's HCG in your bloodstream, not if there's enough or that things are going well. If the bloodwork looks ok we schedule an ultrasound for 8 weeks, 3 weeks from now. Since we only DTD one time in the last month we know exactly when it happened, although that throws another wrinkle into the whole thing. I took a pregnancy test, not blood, at the hospital on March 20 before starting the Provera-which if this pregnancy is viable and sticks I hope to hell isn't going to cause any problems, and it was negative. That was 2 weeks after DTD so we must have just missed getting a positive test. Now I find myself scrutinizing the darkness of the lines on the two tests I took. We're somewhere around 27-29 DPO and I find myself thinking the line would be darker if this was viable. I'm so rambly, emotional, maybe hormonal-although I feel nothing, and overwhelmed. I just needed to get this all out.