The shock is starting to lift in our household. I don't think it will fully dissipate but I don't feel like I'm walking around in an alternate universe quite so much anymore. The next step is an ultrasound on the 18th. Not quite a two week wait but the next ten days will creep by. On the other hand I often forget what's even happening. I mean it's truly unbelievable. Really. I just can't even comprehend being pregnant without taking drugs, without any doctors, like the old fashioned two people making a baby way. So part of me is in complete denial about what is happening. I know a large part of it is sheer terror. The utter fear of miscarriage. Of finding out this pregnancy isn't viable. I find myself hesitating to connect being pregnant with the actual concrete being of a baby. The pregnancy can be abstract, but a baby...that is so much more. Once I start thinking about a baby my mind wanders to due dates, names, cuddly baby snuggles, my son being a big brother, and so much more that could be lost if this pregnancy doesn't continue. Things I don't know how to cope with losing. So a big part of me is trying so hard to keep this abstract. I know that isn't fair. I hate it. I hate everything about not embracing the miracle that this will hopefully turn out to be. And I know, regardless of how hard I try and how much I tell myself I'm succeeding, there's no way not to become attached. I've talked to this baby and told it how desperately we want it to stay. How it will complete our family. How my son will be an amazing older brother and my husband is an incredible father. How it has defied so many odds at this point that there's no reason to stop now. I've done pretty well at keeping calm. I keep reminding myself that there is nothing anyone can do. If this is meant to be, it will be. If something goes wrong it's not my fault. It's out of our hands. All we can do is wait. And hope.
Symptoms wise it's very similar to when I was pregnant with my son. Tired, tired, tired. Some growing pains in the belly. And hungry pretty often. Now if the next 10 days would hurry up and please, please, please bring good news Wednesday afternoon.
The waiting until the ultrasound part is so hard. I hope the time just flies by for you!
ReplyDeleteWho knew we'd ever join the 'old fashioned' club? ;)
ReplyDeleteHope the next 10 days just fly by and that you find yourself enjoying every minute with your family as you normally would...and of course that you get great news next Wednesday (that's my u/s day, too). :)
good luck! i'm excited for you!
ReplyDeleteOh my goodness! I guess I haven't been on blogs longer than I thought - I missed all this news. Wow! It is so weird, I was just thinking about you about a week or so ago. I was thinking wouldn't it be cool if you were one of those women who could conceive naturally after IVF. I don't know why I was thinking about you or why I thought that. Little did I know you had already done it! I wish it wasn't filled with so many mixed emotions but I hope it is continued good news and smooth sailing. Best of luck. :) We won't be due date twins this time around but I will still be rooting for you and baby every step of the way!
ReplyDeleteP.S. I swear I have some pregnancy-related 6th sense mojo! I have had many dreams of friends being pregnant and then soon after finding out they are!