8w 5d: Beautiful

These last few days have been really rough. My symptoms have disappeared, well the few I had, and I've physically been feeling good. Not feeling pregnant. My prior symptoms were fatigue and passing nausea. I was having vivid dreams and frequently peeing too. But the last few days I realized those things had stopped. I was terrified. All I wanted was to feel them again. Just for reassurance. Tonight I tried the doppler again, even though I know it is still early. But I heard that beautiful sound of our baby's heartbeat and instantly I was flooded with relief. That strong little gallop washed away my fears and eased my anxious heart and mind. I'm so thankful that my search was successful tonight as I was truly beside myself with worry. I am so thankful to be pregnant.

8w 3d: Hanging In and Poppin' Out

I'm hanging in there. Of course battling all sorts of bad thoughts daily but trying to keep them in check. This is happening for a reason I remind myself umpteen times a day. It's meant to be and everything is going to work out just fine. I've been tired still, but my toddler is pretty active and could wear me out pre-pregnancy so it's not surprising I find myself spending his naptime in bed as well. I have very brief passing periods of nausea and some of the same food aversions as last time. I've had growing and stretching pains here and there. They all feel very familiar so that's reassuring. I was shocked on Monday at 8w when I realized I already popped. I'm certainly showing. At night combined with the bloat I look about how I looked at 5 months last time. It took forever to show last pregnancy so to show so early was something I wasn't expecting. Good news is I get to break out the comfy pants and clothes that much earlier this time. I'm pregnant in pretty much the opposite season this time though so finding things to wear in my current maternity wardrobe may be difficult. I'm anxious to get to the stage where I can use the doppler when I need reassurance. I admit I did Google and find stories of people who could hear at 8w so I tried it. I didn't hear the heartbeat but luckily I didn't freak out because I know its still too early. With my son I heard it at the end of 11w. So for now I'm hanging in there trying to stay calm until the next ultrasound. 7 days to go...

7w 2d

Today was ultrasound day. And what a day it was. I feel as though I'm watching this happen to someone else. It is completely surreal. You know I must be one psycho-memorable-crazy-ass pregnant chick when the two receptionists at my OB's office both recognized and congratulated me. Yep it's me...I'm BAAAAACCCKKKK... I knew the nurses thought I was cray cray but I had no idea it extended to the receptionist staff. I can't help it that my past losses make me a little unsure, obsessed, overly inquisitive, and in need of some serious reassurance especially in the first trimester. But at this point when they congratulated me it felt weird. I felt like I was checking in for my annual so congratulating me for doing an annual exam seemed odd. My head couldn't quite wrap around the true reason for my visit. I mean how could I be pregnant? I didn't have morning monitoring ultrasounds. I didn't have blood draws. I didn't have an egg retrieval or even a transfer. How can I be pregnant??? DH and my son came with for support. My OB was of course thrilled to see my son. We were nervous since he hates the doctor's office he'd have a meltdown, but he was fantastic. He sat in DH's lap quietly and as soon as the baby appeared on the ultrasound screen he pointed and screamed, "BABY!!" DH and I were floored. We certainly didn't tell him we were going to see a baby. I don't think he's ever seen an ultrasound before. But he knew. And as soon as the OB said the baby looked great and had a great heartbeat I started breathing again. So here we are 7w 2d, baby measured 6w 5d with a heart rate in the 150's. We didn't hear our son's heartbeat until around 11 weeks at home, so hearing Baby S's heart so soon was amazing!! Our due date is December 3, the day after our 7 year anniversary. My OB told me they don't deliver at the hospital we had my son at anymore, which was so sad. Our experience with my son was incredible and I was really looking forward to delivering at the same hospital. So we'll have to check out our new options, but for now I'm just focused on making it through the first trimester. My OB didn't want to see me back for 4 weeks but said I could come back sooner for reassurance. So I booked my appointment for 2 weeks from now. I'll need reassurance. Our losses were both between 8-9 weeks so that is my really scary time. So for now things look great. I'm still in shock. But very hopeful, oh so hopeful.

Overanalyzing

Thank you for all the prayers, positive thoughts, and sticky vibes. I really, really appreciate them.

My sanity is hanging by a thread. From the outside I appear fine though thankfully, because DH would be all over it if I didn't. Every feeling, or lack there of, is causing me so much anxiety. I've been napping when my son does because I've been just absolutely exhausted. Until yesterday. Yesterday I felt fine and didn't need a nap. Cue niggling fear in the back of my mind. For the past few nights I felt the same stretching-crampy-but-not-cramps feeling I felt in the early days of my pregnancy with my son. Yesterday I felt fine. And the fear grows. How I'm going to hold it together for the next week is beyond me. As each day passes I find myself more and more worried. If only I had a time machine or even a crystal ball would suffice. I'm trying to stay busy. To keep occupied so hopefully my mind can't wander. But sometimes I can't seem to find anything to do and I find my mind has wandered, without my consent. 7 days to go...

As the Fog Clears

The shock is starting to lift in our household. I don't think it will fully dissipate but I don't feel like I'm walking around in an alternate universe quite so much anymore. The next step is an ultrasound on the 18th. Not quite a two week wait but the next ten days will creep by. On the other hand I often forget what's even happening. I mean it's truly unbelievable. Really. I just can't even comprehend being pregnant without taking drugs, without any doctors, like the old fashioned two people making a baby way. So part of me is in complete denial about what is happening. I know a large part of it is sheer terror. The utter fear of miscarriage. Of finding out this pregnancy isn't viable. I find myself hesitating to connect being pregnant with the actual concrete being of a baby. The pregnancy can be abstract, but a baby...that is so much more. Once I start thinking about a baby my mind wanders to due dates, names, cuddly baby snuggles, my son being a big brother, and so much more that could be lost if this pregnancy doesn't continue. Things I don't know how to cope with losing. So a big part of me is trying so hard to keep this abstract. I know that isn't fair. I hate it. I hate everything about not embracing the miracle that this will hopefully turn out to be. And I know, regardless of how hard I try and how much I tell myself I'm succeeding, there's no way not to become attached. I've talked to this baby and told it how desperately we want it to stay. How it will complete our family. How my son will be an amazing older brother and my husband is an incredible father. How it has defied so many odds at this point that there's no reason to stop now. I've done pretty well at keeping calm. I keep reminding myself that there is nothing anyone can do. If this is meant to be, it will be. If something goes wrong it's not my fault. It's out of our hands. All we can do is wait. And hope.

Symptoms wise it's very similar to when I was pregnant with my son. Tired, tired, tired. Some growing pains in the belly. And hungry pretty often. Now if the next 10 days would hurry up and please, please, please bring good news Wednesday afternoon.

Lack of an Update*Updated*

I had my blood drawn at 9am. As of 6:30 the results were still pending... I miss my fertility clinic's hours later resulting. They told me to call back in a few hours.

Beta #2
2912 doubling time 44.61 hours

Beta #1

1540 ? DPO

It doesn't give us much to work with since we have no idea when I ovulated. I did some more research and found there can be a 5 day window between DTD and fertilization. Then another 10 day window until implantation. When conceiving was in someone else's hands and DTD wasn't imperative I didn't need to know any of this. So I guess technically my guess of 27-29 DPO was probably a few days off, I'm thinking more like 22-24. So now we wait until tomorrow for beta #2 to get a better picture of what's going on in there I guess. Maybe I'm grasping at straws but today I feel some hope. Guardedly hopeful. I owe it to this little one.

Huh?(*ments)

We finished all our testing to be referred back to our fertility clinic, or so we thought. After the referral was submitted my OB was told it would be automatically denied if we didn't do an updated HSG. So despite the fact that we knew we'd be doing IVF again insurance was insisting I spend their money on an HSG. Whatever. Of course I don't have a period with any regularity, so the doctor gave me Provera again to start my period since they will only do the HSG day 7-9 of my cycle. I took the Provera and my period didn't start. Last month it started within 5 days of the last pill and I remembered previously when I've taken it my period would start during the pills or right after. It's been frustrating waiting but I've been pretty zen. I look at my son and know that every hurdle, every step backward, every obstacle we faced had to be faced in the exact way we experienced it in order for us to be blessed with him. So I know that our journey to another child is what it is for a reason. Not that I don't freak out and lose it sometimes when things don't go as I was planning. This morning, despite having bought 5 Powerball tickets last week and not winning the lottery, I took a pregnancy test.

Cue all sorts of feelings that I can't even begin to sort through. Immediately I was mad. Really mad. After two losses two lines doesn't mean baby to me. Honestly at this point I feel like this is just another delay for us on the road to IVF-which has already been delayed multiple times. I hate that I feel that. It's not fair. It just isn't fair. It isn't fair that I see this and immediately I am hurtled into a world where I feel like I'm waiting for our next miscarriage. It's not fair for me to feel angry when I know there are so many who would do anything to find themselves in my shoes. I'm emotionally overwhelmed right now. I want to be happy. I want to believe we beat the odds. I know plenty of families who have busted the urban legend and get pregnant after infertility treatments on their own. One of the scariest things for me right now is I was on a ton of drugs while pregnant with my son. Things I'm not on right now. My first two pregnancies I wasn't on the drugs and they ended without us holding our babes in our arms. So how could this work out? My OB agreed to progesterone supplements but after consulting our old fertility clinic(not my doctor but another), she decided not to give me the Lovenox. I never had bloodwork in their minds that showed it would help but my RE at the time said it couldn't hurt so she agreed to let me take it. And my son was born full term and healthy so I find myself wondering how this could be different? For now the plan is to do two blood tests 2 days apart to see how the betas look. Of course peeing on a stick only tells you there's HCG in your bloodstream, not if there's enough or that things are going well. If the bloodwork looks ok we schedule an ultrasound for 8 weeks, 3 weeks from now. Since we only DTD one time in the last month we know exactly when it happened, although that throws another wrinkle into the whole thing. I took a pregnancy test, not blood, at the hospital on March 20 before starting the Provera-which if this pregnancy is viable and sticks I hope to hell isn't going to cause any problems, and it was negative. That was 2 weeks after DTD so we must have just missed getting a positive test. Now I find myself scrutinizing the darkness of the lines on the two tests I took. We're somewhere around 27-29 DPO and I find myself thinking the line would be darker if this was viable. I'm so rambly, emotional, maybe hormonal-although I feel nothing, and overwhelmed. I just needed to get this all out.