So In Love

I must admit that as an only child I harbored some serious doubts as to the ability of someone to love their children equally. It's human nature to have favorites isn't it? I mean my only real comparison is my cats. I have two of them. Come over to my house for a few hours and you will clearly know who my favorite is. I love them both, but one does seriously constantly annoy me and the other can do no wrong. So this was my framework for what people with more than one kid must go through. My brother-in-law also tells me often how my husband was clearly the favorite. I was worried about how I could ever love anyone as much as I love LD. He is seriously the light of my life. This week I went back for a follow-up because my calf pain returned and again they wanted to be sure there weren't any visible clots. The tech doing the u/s called herself old school and said she'd been scanning since before I was born, she seemed too young but who am I to argue? She said she was taught to always document a baby when doing any sort of scan. Again who am I to argue? So I got a preview of my level II ultrasound next Monday. And seeing my son in there sucking his thumb and moving around made me realize it is possible to love two people the exact same amount simultaneously. I am totally in love with CJ as much as I am with LD. CJ is quite active and feeling him move and seeing it, both on screen and when watching my belly, fills me with so much joy. As much as hearing LD giggle or watching him dance around the living room. I told myself that if I was ever lucky enough to be pregnant again I'd embrace it. I'd relish it and not let the fear dominate. So here I am 1 week from the halfway point realizing I've let the first half slip away dominated by fear. I'm certainly still scared, but now it's time to embrace this miracle. Time to allow myself to marvel at what is happening and feel the joy I'm being blessed with. And everyday the love I have for both of my sons intensifies to a level I never imagined the heart had room for, but it does...equally.