Realizing and That Old Familiar Burn

Until last week I was feeling pretty good, emotionally. I was celebrating making it to the second trimester by breathing more and worrying less. I told DH before this pregnancy that I wanted my next pregnancy to be one filled with joy and not focused on the constant fear that our history of loss colored my son's pregnancy with. So I was allowing that goal to be achieved. I was living in the moment and celebrating the little mover and shaker who brings a smile to my face with each tiny movement I feel. Of course in the back of my mind a small part of me was aware that things could still go wrong. And last week that was driven home when reading about the tragic losses some brave women in the infertility community shared in their spaces. Since then I've been a mess. While discussing it with DH the other night it finally hit me that I will never be that carefree, worry free pregnant lady. My previous losses have made that impossible.

A few days ago my leg started bothering me. I didn't think much of it, but as the days wore on and the pain increased I started to worry. One of my biggest fears has been the fact that I'm not on Lovenox this pregnancy. I don't have a confirmed clotting disorder. I was on Lovenox with my sons pregnancy sort of as a last ditch throw it at the problem because it can't hurt but could help so let's do it thing. This time I was shut down when I requested to be put on it. That's been bothering me since the beginning and causing me anxiety and worry. So when I started having the pain in my leg I got worried about blood clots in my leg. Today the pain was worse so I called and got an appointment to urgent care. After a blood test that confirmed I could potentially have a blood clot in my leg I was sent to the hospital for an ultrasound of my legs. They didn't find any clots, but the doc said in cases like this if I come back in a week they may well find a clot. So I am now on Lovenox again. I won't lie and say I'm not relieved. It was the one thing missing from our successful recipe last pregnancy, well except all the IVF jazz at the beginning too but I'm not sad to skip that part. It burns like the dickens but it is so, so worth every stinging second.