Let's Try This Again: Birth Story

Let's try this again...
On Friday night I said to DH and my mom that maybe CJ wanted to be born on the 17th since big brother LD was born on the 17th, both were Saturdays. Although I had plenty of stuff to do still I felt like his birth was coming soon after my appointments this week. So glad my mom was able to come Friday morning. That was at least the third time we made her change it.

Every time I got up to pee Friday night I was worried when I got back into bed my water would break. That's what happened last time. At 445 when I woke up it was deja-vu, only no water breaking contractions this time. Same exact time my water broke with LD. I lay in bed for an hour trying to be sure they were contractions and they didn't stop. Despite being told he was engaged Friday at the ultrasound and feeling he'd be here soon I was still sort of not believing I could be in labor. Because ya'll I have to be honest...I still hadn't accepted I was pregnant. Even that close to delivery I was unable to believe and accept what was happening. About 6 I realized I should be timing my contractions but didn't think they were 5 minutes apart. After timing a few I realized they were pretty close to 5 minutes apart. I decided I needed an app to track then better and downloaded one. About 7am after tracking contractions that were anywhere from 3-7 minutes apart for a better part of half an hour I woke up DH. I wanted to take a shower in case it was go time but needed someone to time while I was in the shower. After my shower I realized I was bleeding so decided to call the doc. After a million and one questions and ten minutes for a callback they told me to come in. I wanted to spend some time with LD before we left so I got him dressed and went to tell my mom it was showtime. We left about 8am for the hospital and I was still having contractions every 3-4 minutes. It took about 32 minutes to get there. DH and I joked the whole way there and I wasn't in pain really. They made DH go register when we arrived, despite the fact I had already registered online, and put me in a room to check me out. I peed in a cup and my nurse Megan came in and introduced herself. She was quite chipper and I told her I was hoping this wasn't a false alarm and that I was 3+cm 70% effaced at my last appointment. She asked my pain level, which similar to last time I said 4ish. Quick check revealed I was 6-7cm dilated. She couldn't believe I wasn't in more pain. She asked about epidural last time and I sheepishly admitted to getting one at 9cm. She got pretty excited assuming I wanted a natural childbirth this time. I really hadn't spent too much time mulling it over. I was sort of planning to get an epidural, hoping to make it to 8-9cm before I did though. I remember my first labor vividly and know how my birth canal had to be pieced back together afterwards and I couldn't imagine having that done without some sort of numbing done down there. I also am terrified of transition. The point in labor where contractions are close together and intense to help with pushing. I remember how the epidural was sweet relief and I never felt guilty or bad about getting it. I wasn't disappointed in myself. DH, however was hoping I'd go natural this time. Easy for him to say, right? After realizing how dilated I was Megan got me into a labor and delivery room right away. She mentioned talking to the doctor about allowing me to walk around to manage my contractions after the doctor checked me. There was a nurse prepping the room with all the baby care and delivery tools. Checking the baby warming table. Doing all the things I expect close to delivery. The doctor on call came in and checked me. She asked if I wanted an epidural and I waffled. She reassured me most women, according to her 98%, get an epidural. As I was starting to consent someone mentioned I was on Heparin. Immediately the doc shut down the epidural. DH had rejoined us by this time. I was pretty much in disbelief as it had been over 12 hours since my last Heparin dose, I was actually due for my next one. My doc had switched me from Lovenox to Heparin because according to her Heparin can be reversed so an epidural can be given. Now I was being told nope not happening. The doc on call assured me the pushing stage would be super quick. Her estimate was 15 minutes. At this point my mind was reeling. It was one thing to try to decide about getting an epidural but totally another to be told nope not an option. I was scared. Really, really scared. The nurse told me she'd send off my bloodwork and talk to anesthesia about giving me an epidural but no one seemed optimistic. She took my bloodwork out and sent it off. She came back a few minutes later to start admitting me and I suddenly had the urge to push. I told her I was pretty sure it was time. She checked and it was. Now I was really scared. I knew at that point I was delivering this baby and I wasn't going to have drugs. I was scared for the pain I thought was coming. At that point she told me to go ahead and push when I felt the urge to push. She explained how to push again and then it was go time. That first push felt so ineffective. I was totally letting the fear control my pushing and I held back. I felt him move forward and then as I stopped pushing he slid back. I was so frustrated. I pushed this way for a few more contractions. Then I got a hold of myself and realized the sooner I pushed correctly the sooner he'd be here. I was still terrified though. As soon as I realized I needed to do better pushes I made immediate progress. At this point the doctor came back. I won't lie and say I didn't scream, cry, yell, nearly rip DH and sweet nurse Megan's arms off, and more than once give up and say I couldn't do it. I was pretty convinced he'd be graduating from college from my pelvis more than once. Last time I did not want an episiotomy. I wanted to tear naturally as it is apparently easier to heal that way. This time when I saw the doc reach for the scissors I was relieved. I was hoping her cut would help speed things up. Then suddenly after one particularly forceful push out his head popped. The doctor just caught him, she was turned away looking for something on the table. The doctor and Megan both yelled, "Stop!!" They told me earlier the key to successful natural childbirth is to really listen to the doctor and nurse because that helps keep things in control. Apparently I immediately stopped and repeated back to them stop. I told DH later that I think I stopped from the shock of seeing CJ emerge so quickly from me and being scared he was going to fall out and get hurt. I never exactly wanted to see my child pop out, but it was pretty cool. The rest went quickly at that point and soon he was cradled on my chest. Unbelievable. The doc was glad she refused to let me walk around once they realized how far I was, she said I'd have had a baby in the hallway.


Since then a lot of people have asked me the difference between my epidural birth and the natural birth. I'm having a hard time explaining how the natural birth felt. The entire time Megan and the doctor kept saying, "I know you're in pain. Push through the pain." But the weird thing was I wasn't in pain. It wasn't painful. I wanted to yell that at them. Turns out Megan who loves natural childbirth had two epidural births. :) She says she could never have a natural childbirth. She couldn't stop gushing over how I was such a rockstar. Even told DH he has to buy me whatever I want for what I had done. I didn't have much of a choice though. This kid came so fast. I was in labor for 5 hours, at the hospital for less than 2 of those, and holding my beautiful son. I knew second labors go faster and my first labor was fast so I expected quick, just wasn't prepared for how quick. And I absolutely didn't expect him to be born at 37 weeks 5 days, two weeks earlier than his brother. So I don't have much of an answer as to how they are different really and which I prefer. I will tell you my recovery this time is 100% different. I was up and walking around the day I delivered CJ. With LD I was hobbling for weeks after. I took Percocet this time the day I delivered CJ since I didn't have the epidural for the pain. I didn't take any the second day, but did take a few Tylenol and a Naproxen. Yesterday I took a Naproxen. Today nothing. I've felt great since delivery overall. DH is pretty proud of me. He was 6 pounds 5 ounces and 19 inches long. 1/2 an inch shorter than LD and 10 ounces lighter. He just seems so much smaller to all of us though. He doesn't even really fit newborn sized clothes.

We left the hospital less than 30 hours after delivery. It was good to get home to LD. He had a great time with Grandma but was super excited to meet CJ. He's a great big brother!!

CJ is doing wonderful. Had his 3 day appointment today and he looked perfect. There's a little bit of flashback to the nursing issues I had with LD. But we're trying really hard to make things work this time around here, without exclusive pumping. I did pump tonight because my milk came in and CJ wasn't quite effective at emptying and things were getting uncomfortable. The lactation consultant we saw yesterday mentioned slipping LD some pumped milk to help boost his immune system and he really needs it so I'm glad she mentioned it. I'm hopeful and optimistic that these small bumps we're facing will be easily overcome and CJ and I will have a wonderful long lasting nursing relationship. Adjusting to a newborn in the house has gone pretty well. It is certainly hard to go without sleep again, but having my mom here is such a blessing and a help. DH is off this week. He'll keep working for the month my mom is visiting and then he'll take time off around Christmas to New Year's. So Mommy has some time to adjust to two kids before she's on her own. And now for your viewing pleasure...

Birth Story

I woke up about 445 having contractions. I didn't think too much of them and didn't even time them. At 6 I started to think maybe I should time them. I downloaded an app and started timing. They were about 6-7 minutes apart but not lasting a whole lot longer than 15-20 seconds.
Blergh stupid Blogger app. I typed the whole birth story and attached a picture and its not here. Damn you Blogger. I will write it again when I get a chance.

Second Time

So I've been timing contractions for 2 hours now. Regular, but not consistently 5 minutes apart. This is unfolding ao differently from the first time. Then I had no real contractions until after my water broke. It was pretty obvious we were having a baby that day two years four months ago. Today I'm anxious and wondering if all these contractions are the real deal.

It was the real deal. He arrived happy and healthy and full of spunk at 10:00 this morning. Super fast labor, like no time for an epidural. I'll post more on epidural vs. not later and a picture. I promise. For now off to enjoy the newborn snuggles. I am so very, very blessed.

Introducing...

:) Probably not what some of you were expecting. No, he's not here yet. This was captured during my silly ultrasound this afternoon. Even the tech was like, "Why are we doing this?" But we did it. Let me tell you an ultrasound at 37+ weeks is not fun. I kept having to stop and roll to my left side because I was about to pass out. Luckily the tech was understanding. We joked about how CJ will arrive before the doc even reads the scans and then she'll be able to see exactly how much he weighs. The tech showed me the growth curve lines for all of the measurements he took and CJ was average for every.single.measurement. Save the head. Of course his head was bigger than average. Just like his big brother. Tonight I called the advice nurse because I was not feeling good at all. For some reason I ended up talking to 3 different people and all of them kept asking if I was sure I wasn't in labor, with one asking if any baby parts were sticking out. Um no. Would I sound so calm if there were a baby emerging? I don't think so. The last most helpful nurse told me that since I'm +3cm dilated, 70% effaced, and -2 station she hopes I better have a bag packed because this labor is gonna fly. I'm expecting him to come any day now. Turns out 2 Tums helped me feel better in a jiffy though.

*TMI Alert* Yesterday I had pink tinged discharge and today it was red so I'm assuming I dilated a bit more today. Maybe he will just fall out. ;)

37 weeks 3 days

So I had fabulous appointments with my excellent doctor this entire pregnancy so I guess I was due for a stress inducing appointment. I've been reading other Mama's stressful appointments and feeling utterly sympathetic to their plights and now I'm on the fence and need to be talked down. My doc is at the hospital this week so this appointment is the only one my entire pregnancy where I had to see another doc, my last two appointments are scheduled but sounds like I may not be getting to those appointments(more on that later). I'd never met this doctor and she walks in and tells me she's lost her voice. Um yeah. I'm 38+ weeks pregnant and have my toddler with me and you're apparently sick. Thanks. She proceeds to do an internal exam and then goes over to the chintzy office u/s machine. My doc never does u/s though she did a quick one to be sure he was head down last week. She tells me his fluid looks good, his heart looks good, and he's looking good. My only question for her was should I be concerned I lost 4 pounds since last week. Seemed like a lot to me and I have no idea how I lost it. I've been seriously pigging out. She asks if I've had an u/s to check how big he is yet. Uh, no. That is like one of the most unreliable things to do to check baby size. Why do all of us laypeople know this but docs don't? Then she asks me if she's measured my belly yet. She hadn't. No growth from last week. But he didn't shrink either and I'm pretty sure I've dropped, no idea if that makes a difference. Then she says I need to have an u/s today or tomorrow to check his size and goes to see if there's an appointment. Without letting me get a word in edgewise. She comes back with appointment times for tomorrow and as I'm trying to process what's happening my anxiety and worry is building. As she goes out to make the appointment I ask her again if everything looks ok on the u/s she did, what is the u/s I need to have tomorrow for. She says to make sure baby isn't too big(um he's consistently measured small-so did LD I make and carry small babies I weigh 110 pounds not pregnant damn it I'm a freaking stick) or too small. I have no idea what the heck we do if he's too small. I mean how do I bulk him up. He is what he is. My doc wasn't worried last week, why suddenly this week is there a reason to send me for u/s???? I'm freaking out. I sent my doc a message but have no idea if she'll see it today or tomorrow. I know u/s is so unreliable for weight checks. I know I shouldn't be letting this raise my stress levels. CJ is fine. He is in there doing his happy dances and all is well. But damn this doc for freaking me the hell out. I should have asked my doc to see me at the hospital so I didn't have to see someone who completely doesn't know me or my babies. Since I mentioned probably not making it to my other appointments today I am over 3cm(she made a point to stress the more than 3) and 70% effaced. When I mentioned my mom doesn't arrive until Monday to take care of LD while we're at the hospital she laughed and told me I better spend the weekend on the couch not moving then. AHHH. Seriously? I already made my mom change her flight from Tuesday to Monday. Now I think we're going to have to fly her here tomorrow. Of course she could be totally wrong. I could still be pregnant 2 weeks from now. I know this. But I've been having contractions on a regular basis(never happened with LD) so I'm pretty freaked out about that. I knew all those contractions must have been doing something. They were. Luckily my mom agreed to let us buy her a ticket to come earlier. So we'll be ready if he decides to come this weekend. Joke will be on me if I'm still waddling around pregnant in two weeks. Though I feel like he'll be here by next week at the latest.

36 Week Appointment

Today was my 36 week appointment. Little Man grew thankfully. My fundal height at my last two appointments stayed the same and if it was still the same at this appointment we were going to have to have an ultrasound done to figure out what was going on. I also gained a few more pounds, like three. I'm 2cm and 50% effaced. I know that means nothing really. You can walk around that way for weeks, heck I could have been already. We did a quick scan because she wasn't exactly sure she was feeling his head when she did her internal exam. It was his head. He's head down. He's still high enough up that he could potentially turn around again the doc said. I think he's been facing this way for quite some time now so I hope he doesn't decide to turn around. My pelvis feels like it's being axed in half a lot of the time now. Not a feeling I remember from LD. The nesting urge kicked in hardcore last week and I've gotten quite a bit done. Of course I still have a bunch to do but I've at least put a dent in the list. My usual doc won't be seeing me next week because she's on call at the hospital. She told me as I was leaving she may not see me again until my post-partum appointment. Um, I'm only 37 weeks next week. I'm not planning to have a baby next week. My mom doesn't even get here to watch LD until 38 weeks. I'm scheduled to see my usual doc again at 38 weeks the day before Thanksgiving. I told her today I want a Thanksgiving baby. DH will be home so no need to call him at work and no traffic worries. I know CJ won't come until he's good and ready to come, and me telling people I want a Thanksgiving baby probably makes it even less likely he'll come then. Kids like to prove you wrong from birth it seems. :) 

CJ Watch 2012: 2cm 50% effaced

34 Weeks 3 Days

Had my 34 week appointment today. 34 weeks!! Still can't believe it. I didn't gain any weight and my belly didn't grow at all. It's weird but I knew that. I told DH the other day I was worried because my belly hadn't grown he didn't believe me. My doc wasn't worried. She said I hide babies well. Um ok. I really don't have anywhere to hide them but since I can feel that he's wedged under my ribs and kicking me in the junk I suppose that I do hide them pretty well. Yes, I called it junk. My DH would prefer that I didn't. The funniest part is we were visiting his sweet Grandma a few years ago and completely unrelated to me calling it junk she mentioned that no lady would call her private areas junk. Hahahahaha. Yep don't get it twisted, I'm no lady. :) Anyway my doc also told me today that I am not one of her most neurotic patients. Bless her heart. I don't know if she was trying to be nice to me, or if there really are people out there who are more freaked out, anxious, neurotic, and crazy than me. All I could say was I feel sorry for her for having to deal with them and for them for feeling all those things. It isn't fun to be freaked out all the time, but yeah I can't figure out how to turn it off. She suggested since I've mentioned numerous times that this will be my last pregnancy that I enjoy these last few weeks. I'm going to try. Really hard. She thinks we should do a maternity photo shoot. Very few pictures of me pregnant or otherwise exist. I know I need to do better about taking pictures with the kids. I do want them to be able to see that I was around when they were growing up. But I think I'm too cheap for a maternity shoot. And my skin is a bit of a mess. It will clear one week and then the next I'm a teen with acne again, so scheduling on a clear week would be an issue.

I didn't mean for my last post to come across that I was worried about my weight. I really could care less. As long as CJ is healthy I don't care how much I gain or how long it takes for it to be lost, if it is. I just think about all sorts of things in an attempt to avoid thinking of other more anxiety inducing things. Like how there's left than 40 days until his due date and my list to prepare is growing rather than shrinking. ;) I swore two weeks ago I was going to get on top of doing this stuff. Really I need to do that.

32 weeks 4 days

Another 3 pounds packed on in two weeks. Grand total of 133.3 pounds. 4.3 pounds less than I weighed with LD at 32 weeks. I'm catching up quick though. I don't think I gained 3 pounds every two weeks with LD like I am this time. When I delivered I was just under 140 pounds so just about 7 weeks until my due date and less than 7 pounds to gain before I beat last pregnancy's weight gain. I'm curious(ok scared) about how losing weight will go this time. Last time I lost a ton just giving birth. The rest seemed to disappear due to all the pumping I did. Now that I'm older I wonder if it will be so easy. My blood pressure was good. CJ's heart was good. My belly measured well. All is good.

After the nursing issues I had with LD I wasn't sure how to go about preparing myself to nurse this time. I know it's unrealistic to think that I can exclusively pump again. It was hard enough doing it with one child, I just can't imagine with two kids. I so want to succeed where I feel I failed last time. DH hates it when I mention feeling like a failure since I pumped for longer than anyone said I would, and donated a ton as well. But I do still mourn the loss of a nursing relationship between LD and I. Silly as it sounds. And despite the fact that I was determined to do anything to make nursing work last time, I am as determined-if not more this time. It's hard reading the books and going to the classes again because I find myself second guessing how things went down last time. Was I a wimp? Did I give in because I was in pain? I have a pretty high pain tolerance but I find myself questioning if I could have forced myself to endure it just a little longer, if things may have started working for us. I keep telling myself there's no going back. I did what I could and LD got breastmilk for 18 months. That's what is important. But preparing to nurse CJ has certainly brought a lot of unprocessed and suppressed emotions to the forefront of my mind.

Speaking of emotions, look out. This pregnant lady is on an emotional roller coaster. I'm a serious mess. One minute things seem fine and the next I'm losing my temper over dumb things. Then five minutes later I'm crying. And the energy that I was loving during the second trimester has disappeared. Apparently the emotional roller coaster is exhausting. I'm back to needing naps, though my two year old is testing giving up his naps. We transitioned to the big boy bed and naps have become rare. It's not pretty around here in the afternoon. I don't remember feeling this way last time but last time I spent a lot of time lounging on the couch, not exactly an option with a super busy two year old to keep up with. I'm so looking forward to the moment my two little guys meet for the first time!!

30 Weeks 3 Days

I had my 30 week appointment today. I'm up 24 pounds total now. I gained 3 pounds in 2 weeks which is a little more than the pound a week I should be gaining. I finally saw my fundal height measurements as my doc was entering them I'm a 27 today, which was a 2cm increase from last appointment. My doc seems pleased. CJ is literally active 23 out of the 24 hours in a day. Yesterday as I hurried down the supermarket aisle to the checkout a lady stopped me to tell me she could see him kicking and flailing in my belly through my shirt. He does cause quite a stir. I love it though!! I can't believe in less than 10 weeks we'll have a newborn again!! I'm so excited, scared, thankful, overwhelmed, entirely not ready!! I am finally pre-registered at the hospitals. I have to send a huge congrats to Jen from Within Reach her gorgeous twins have arrived. Hoping Jen and her twins can go home quickly and settle into their new routine. Seeing those beautiful babes really hit home with me that CJ isn't an abstract. He's a baby and he'll be here soon and I can't wait!!  67 days and counting...

Hello Third Trimester: 28 weeks

Phew I have now entered the third trimester. Things are crazy around here and I'm feeling quite overwhelmed. We've been fighting a cough for the past month. As in LD started it, passed it to me, and now it's finally made its way to Daddy. LD has also just started having some very icky diapers. Of course anxious Mommy is terrified of catching something from him that could hurt CJ so every diaper change I'm gloving up, taking them directly outside, and disinfecting everything within 10 feet of the diaper change area. And washing my hands constantly so they are dry and painful. *sigh* I just want everyone to be healthy, oh and if we could fast forward to December that'd be cool too. :) Not that keeping a newborn healthy would be any less stressful.

Which leads me to my newest situation to figure out how to work out. We do weekly playgroup and I try to do other activities during the week as well to give LD an opportunity to get out and about and hang out with his friends. Adding a newborn to the mix during flu season just doesn't sit well with me. So I am thinking we'll have to take some time off from playgroup. It stinks because I don't want to make LD feel like he's being punished or change things too much for him, but I also want to keep CJ from being exposed to scary germs when he's so little. I'm also starting to wonder how soon before CJ's arrival we should stop going to playgroup as well. He missed his friends so much during the time we stayed away from playgroup because of his cough so I know it will be hard for him when we have to take a break. Luckily we will have company to keep him engaged.

Still haven't chosen a hospital. Gotta get that done.

What a Difference Two Years Four Months Makes

I had my gestational diabetes test on Tuesday. It was exactly two years and four months since I had done the same test for LD's pregnancy. With LD I scored 137 on a scale of 70-140, but since a lot of doctors use a smaller cut-off I insisted on the 3 hour test just to be sure I was ok. I was but my doc did insist on a dietary change. Results this time: a not even registering on the standard range 66. We have shifted our eating habits, especially in the last month of so. We are trying to eat at home nearly every meal, where before we were eating out almost daily if not twice a day. I have no idea if that has any impact on something like gestational diabetes but something is surely different this time. I was anemic with LD and this time I'm not too. I feel healthier and that is huge for me. Last pregnancy I weighed 131 pounds by this point, this pregnancy 124.7. Of course running after a toddler is probably one of the most effective workouts out there. CJ's heart sounded great and I am measuring right on track. He has a regular routine of movements throughout the day that keep me reassured all is well in the womb. DH put his head on my belly to try to listen to his heart the other night and got a swift kick to the head. That's my boy. :) He asked how I can get any sleep with all that moving going on in there. I'm not really sure. It isn't disruptive to me. I find it soothing. Even the kicks to the ribs and the somewhat jarring kicks to the vagina, which my OB assured me are totally CJ.

I have been having trouble falling asleep but it isn't due to movement. It's the realization that in 3 months, less than 14 weeks, less than 95 days, we will have a newborn in the house. Honestly I feel so completely unprepared. Like I did when we were expecting LD. Like I have no idea how to take care of a newborn. Even though I took care of LD and we all made it through just fine. It feels like that was so, so, so long ago and surely newborns must have changed since then. I've been searching for a diaper bag after realizing the one we used with LD, for the first 6 months when I actually carried it, wouldn't fit the things I should probably be carrying around for a newborn and a toddler. Then I realized I can't even remember what I need to carry around for a newborn. Seriously. I can't remember how to pack a diaper bag for a newborn. I can't remember how to swaddle a newborn. This was all just two years ago and yet I can't remember. I imagine we'll be out and about much more since LD has playdates with his friends and I want to keep him engaged and entertained as much as I try to now. So I think the diaper bag will be essential. Maybe I'm fixated on the diaper bag to help keep my mind off other things that could really freak me out if I think about them. Like how I will be spending the night away from LD when I'm in the hospital with CJ. I've never spent the night away from him. The other night I was imagining that as soon as we are in the recovery room with CJ all swaddled in his bassinet I'm going to lose my crap and want LD there with us. I know the hospital is no place for a two year old, really. My mom will be here and she'll take great care of him, and I'm also insisting that if there's a bedtime involved where I've already had CJ DH must come home and take care of LD. I don't want his life too disrupted. I ordered a diaper bag this morning so I guess it's time to find something else to do to keep my mind busy. Off to research what you're supposed to even put in a diaper bag for a newborn. ;)

Double Digits

I never meant to go so long between posts, but if you're following from my other blog you know I've pretty much fallen off the face of the earth over there too. We've reached viability and we're in the double digit countdown to the due date. I'm spending lots of time focused on all the things I'll need to handle two kiddos. Diaper bags, double strollers, comfy place for baby to sleep while toddler tears up the house... I'm partly experienced and partly swimming in uncharted waters. I've done the baby stages before, but the mother-of-two stuff I'm completely unfamiliar with. I told DH that the second baby should be cheaper because we kept so many of the things we used with the first one, especially since they're both boys so we have clothes already. That turned into a big old fat lie rather quickly. I think I've spent as much on CJ as I did on LD by this point. I can't help it that they make baby shopping so much fun, even LD enjoys it and has picked out tons of stuff for his new "brofer". Part of me feels like this pregnancy is creeping by like my pregnancy with LD did, and the other part feels like it's going pretty quickly. I'm so ready to meet CJ and wish I could send time into warp speed to December. But another part of me wants to savor these moments. We know CJ will be our last so the next three(!!!!) months are my last three months to ever be pregnant. I realized tonight we should probably make a decision about the hospital soon. Our choice is between the hospital we chose not to have LD at, which is only 10 minutes away or a hospital 20-30 minutes away that we toured at the beginning of the pregnancy. We liked the farther hospital when we had the tour and we had pretty much made up our minds to birth there. But I've heard the closer hospital has gotten better since we researched it in 2010. All or almost all of the moms in our playgroup delivered there and none had anything negative to say about the hospital so I'm wondering if we should plan to go to the closer hospital. Technically my labor with LD was quick. I was ready to push 6 hours after my water broke on its own. Of course the doctor was unavailable so I had to labor down for a while. Since they say second labors are usually quicker I'm wondering if we'll have time to get to the further hospital. My doctor suggested registering at both hospitals and just seeing how things go when I go into labor. The hospital we delivered LD at is actually halfway between us and the further hospital, so if we had to stop there because it was time to push I guess I'd get my wish to deliver at the same hospital. I agonized over this decision last time so I'm not surprised to find myself unsure of what to do this time. It all worked out fine in the end last time, so I'm hoping it will this time as well. So much to do and now we're in the double digit countdown.

22 Weeks

I had my 22 week appointment today. 22 weeks!! There are more weeks of my pregnancy completed than remaining. Big brother LD came along for moral support, and because he's never had a babysitter what else can I do with him? He was great and kept himself pretty entertained the entire time. My OB just loves him. Every time she sees him she gushes over how he's just the perfect mix of DH and I. Honestly he's much, much cuter than either of us. And I hope CJ is as well. My blood pressure was great. I gained 4 pounds since last visit, so about 13 for the pregnancy so far. My OB thinks I'm on track to gain about the same as I did with LD, about 32 pounds. I'm interested to see if I lose it as quickly as last time now that I'll be 2 years older. I'm just thankful it wasn't more because I've been eating nothing but junk this pregnancy. I'm working to correct that though. CJ is a total mover and shaker who reminds me frequently that he's in there. The 20 week anatomy scan results came back perfect. He measured a little bit ahead, about 2 days. Next visit will be the glucose test. Last time I was borderline, but I'm hoping not to be so close this time. I hope to pass with flying colors. I'm still enjoying my extra energy and hope it at least lasts through our vacation in a few weeks.

Hooray for Halfway

Today is 20 weeks. I can't believe this pregnancy is halfway over. Lots of people say they feel like their pregnancies fly by, but for me they go slowly. Probably because I spend so much time worrying. I had my anatomy scan this morning. Little man is just as active as his big brother and had to be forced to move a few times when he chose not to cooperate. He weighs in at 12 ounces right now. To my untrained eye things looked really good. I get the official results in a few weeks.

The second trimester brought my energy back when it arrived. I was starting to wonder if the fatigue was all in my head and I was making myself feel worse than I truly did, but no that wasn't the case. I was exhausted. Constantly. And useless. Now I've been able to actually accomplish things again and I'm feeling really great. CJ is active much of the day so I have his reassuring taps, punches, and kicks easing my mind. I still can't believe this is happening. It is still surreal. I'm sure it will continue to be surreal until they lay his squirmy body on my chest when he's born. Only 5 months until we meet our new little man. Yipee!!

So In Love

I must admit that as an only child I harbored some serious doubts as to the ability of someone to love their children equally. It's human nature to have favorites isn't it? I mean my only real comparison is my cats. I have two of them. Come over to my house for a few hours and you will clearly know who my favorite is. I love them both, but one does seriously constantly annoy me and the other can do no wrong. So this was my framework for what people with more than one kid must go through. My brother-in-law also tells me often how my husband was clearly the favorite. I was worried about how I could ever love anyone as much as I love LD. He is seriously the light of my life. This week I went back for a follow-up because my calf pain returned and again they wanted to be sure there weren't any visible clots. The tech doing the u/s called herself old school and said she'd been scanning since before I was born, she seemed too young but who am I to argue? She said she was taught to always document a baby when doing any sort of scan. Again who am I to argue? So I got a preview of my level II ultrasound next Monday. And seeing my son in there sucking his thumb and moving around made me realize it is possible to love two people the exact same amount simultaneously. I am totally in love with CJ as much as I am with LD. CJ is quite active and feeling him move and seeing it, both on screen and when watching my belly, fills me with so much joy. As much as hearing LD giggle or watching him dance around the living room. I told myself that if I was ever lucky enough to be pregnant again I'd embrace it. I'd relish it and not let the fear dominate. So here I am 1 week from the halfway point realizing I've let the first half slip away dominated by fear. I'm certainly still scared, but now it's time to embrace this miracle. Time to allow myself to marvel at what is happening and feel the joy I'm being blessed with. And everyday the love I have for both of my sons intensifies to a level I never imagined the heart had room for, but it does...equally.

18 Weeks Summer Storm and It's A...

Whew this last week has been crazy. We live in the Mid-Atlantic so we got a crazy storm last Friday night that left us without power during the most insane heatwave we've seen this year. Apparently the violent windstorm we had is called a derecho, in case you're one for expanding your vocabulary with new words you hopefully never experience the meaning of first hand. We were very lucky not to have one of our beautiful backyard trees fall on our house but we did live without power for about 35 hours, and unfortunately some in our area still remain without power. The temperatures here, as they seem to be everywhere, are unbelievably hot. The heat index has been about 105 degrees most days. Our upstairs temperature topped out at a balmy 86, but the basement thankfully never climbed above 75. We slept there and left the house to find food and sweet air conditioned relief. When I was pregnant with LD we had what the locals still refer to as Snowmageddon that shut down our area for days. So it is only fitting with CJs pregnancy that we get a memorable storm as well.

I had my 18 week appointment yesterday and all is looking well. My OB said she feels much better about having me on Lovenox when she feels like there is a need for it due to potential blood clots in my leg. Of course I would rather have been on it from the start and avoided the potential clots but I'm thankful to be on it now. I've gained about 9 pounds. Surprising to me since I finish each day with a healthy helping of dessert. I expected a bigger gain. My husband had been asking for a few weeks if I'd be getting an ultrasound at this appointment. At my last appointment we just did the doppler and my anatomy scan is the 16th so I figured we wouldn't have a scan. The man who didn't want to find out LDs gender suddenly had a real need to know about this baby. He even told me to ask for an ultrasound or pretend I was really worried so she'd do one. We both laughed at that because I was such a mess with LDs pregnancy the staff knows me by name and expects me to have a million worried questions. But Baby has been super active so I knew all was well. Turns out I didn't have to ask my doc just said let's take a look so we did. Where LD was loud and proud about showing his package this babe was much more reserved. After 20 minutes of trying to get a clear shot we finally got enough of a glimpse to be 99.9% sure. It's no real surprise to us and I kind of always felt it in my Mothers instinct we are having a boy!! My husband's family produces like 1 girl for every million boys...no joke. We are pretty sure we have now settled on a name, first at least. Middle is still not for sure but I know what initials I want so that means a J middle name. So CJ it is. Although I bought a few cute girl things here and there the last few weeks there was no disappointment when it was revealed that CJ is a boy. I am excited to watch LD grow up with a little brother and I think I'm a pretty good boy Mama so I'm glad to remain the only queen of this castle.  My OB said we'd have to try again for #3 so we'd maybe get a girl, I told her my hubby already has the big V planned out. We are done with two. Our perfect set of boys. I'm so very excited!!

Realizing and That Old Familiar Burn

Until last week I was feeling pretty good, emotionally. I was celebrating making it to the second trimester by breathing more and worrying less. I told DH before this pregnancy that I wanted my next pregnancy to be one filled with joy and not focused on the constant fear that our history of loss colored my son's pregnancy with. So I was allowing that goal to be achieved. I was living in the moment and celebrating the little mover and shaker who brings a smile to my face with each tiny movement I feel. Of course in the back of my mind a small part of me was aware that things could still go wrong. And last week that was driven home when reading about the tragic losses some brave women in the infertility community shared in their spaces. Since then I've been a mess. While discussing it with DH the other night it finally hit me that I will never be that carefree, worry free pregnant lady. My previous losses have made that impossible.

A few days ago my leg started bothering me. I didn't think much of it, but as the days wore on and the pain increased I started to worry. One of my biggest fears has been the fact that I'm not on Lovenox this pregnancy. I don't have a confirmed clotting disorder. I was on Lovenox with my sons pregnancy sort of as a last ditch throw it at the problem because it can't hurt but could help so let's do it thing. This time I was shut down when I requested to be put on it. That's been bothering me since the beginning and causing me anxiety and worry. So when I started having the pain in my leg I got worried about blood clots in my leg. Today the pain was worse so I called and got an appointment to urgent care. After a blood test that confirmed I could potentially have a blood clot in my leg I was sent to the hospital for an ultrasound of my legs. They didn't find any clots, but the doc said in cases like this if I come back in a week they may well find a clot. So I am now on Lovenox again. I won't lie and say I'm not relieved. It was the one thing missing from our successful recipe last pregnancy, well except all the IVF jazz at the beginning too but I'm not sad to skip that part. It burns like the dickens but it is so, so worth every stinging second.

14 Weeks 1 Day Second Trimester and Baby Pokes

I absolutely cannot believe I am currently in the second trimester. Seriously. I still can't even believe I'm pregnant. I've been feeling Baby move for a few weeks now. DH thought I was nuts when I told him I was certain I felt Baby moving. With my son we weren't sure until around 16 weeks so the fact that between 8-10 weeks I kept insisting it wasn't gas but Baby made him skeptical. My OB said most women feel the second one earlier and she felt certain I knew what I was talking about and was indeed feeling Baby. It isn't the consistent movement that comes later but still a great feeling to feel when it happens. My pants no longer fit but I'm dreading searching for maternity pants. Last time I wore lots of sweats and yoga pants and had a few pairs of work pants. This time I have to leave the house, but not for work, so I don't think sweat pants and yoga pants will cut it. I'm starting to feel my energy returning slowly but surely. Things are going well and I'm feeling good.

ROPL

Today I saw my OB for my monthly appointment. Our First Trimester Screening was at a specialists' office, so although it just happened Friday I still had to see my OB today. I wasn't sure if we'd do an ultrasound. When I was pregnant with my son we had a lot of appointments and ultrasounds at every one of them until about 22 weeks or more. Today I realized I'm considered just a ROPL. Regular 'Ol Pregnant Lady that is. No ultrasound, just a listen with the Doppler. Since I have a Doppler at home and check every few days the appointment seemed kind of silly, but that's ok I guess. Baby sounds great in there. Despite eating at every possible second I've only gained a pound. The old uterus is pressing on my nerve in my groin-thigh area and causing some pinched nerve feelings. My doc assured me it will only get worse as Baby and belly continue to expand. :-) It is not too painful yet so hoping it doesn't escalate. My doc is going on vacation next month so it will be 5 weeks until our next appointment.

12 weeks 4 days First Trimester Screening

This afternoon was our NT scan, or first trimester screening depending on what you call it. I call it a great chance to look at the baby. I've been feeling like the inside of my uterus is very tender this week which has really been freaking me out. It's not painful, but I wouldn't call it pleasant either. I check Baby's heart rate on the doppler every other dayish so I knew things seemed to be ok in there aside from the tenderness. I took my mom, who is visiting, to the appointment this afternoon to give her a chance to experience just how much ultrasound has changed since I was a fuzzy blob on one. She was amazed at just how baby-like Baby looked today. I'm pretty sure we had the same ultrasound tech today two years ago and the geneticist we talked to told me she was the one we saw when we were there two years ago too. I remembered her instantly as well. Everything looked great today!! Baby was nice and still for measurements but did a little wiggling once they were done. Heart rate was 168bpm. That's right around where my sons' always were. It's still very surreal to me. Wonderful and surreal. Unbelievable and surreal.

Belonging...or maybe not...

In 2007 at the tender young age of 24 I found myself joining a community I always suspected I belonged to. At a time in my life when I was celebrating my second wedding anniversary and still finding out who I was I was diagnosed with infertility. I was finding myself in the world, making mistakes, and learning who I wanted to be. And one day I was faced with a diagnosis that changed my life completely. Infertility made me who I am: as a parent, as a partner, as a person. In the three years it took to finally hold my beautiful newborn son in my arms infertility had molded me into who I would be for the rest of my life. I take nothing for granted. I realize how precious all things are, most importantly life. How hard fought it is to actually have a pregnancy survive from conception and become a gorgeous babe cuddled in your arms. I've dealt with loss and triumphed in the end. I've faced reality and truly believed I'd never be a mother. I've had highs and I've had lows. And each and every one of my days since my diagnosis has been touched by infertility. It is who I am. I am an infertile. It has shaped how I parent. Each decision weighed heavily against the battle it was to bring him into this world.  When I found the infertility blogging community I felt like I'd found my home. A safe place to belong. People who had been there. People who finally knew and understood what I was feeling. These were my people. I celebrated with them. I mourned with them. We supported each other's successes and helped heal through the heartbreaks. And now I find myself unexpectedly pregnant after primary infertility. And suddenly I'm lost. Left without a community. I still consider myself an infertile. It still defines me and how I make my decisions, but I struggle daily with how to reconcile what is happening. I certainly can't compare myself to someone struggling in the trenches of infertility, primary or secondary. I'm not pregnant after treatment, so I guess that makes me just plain old "pregnant". But my personal identity, the person who I see myself as, is an infertile. I can't see myself without that component. It has been a part of me for too long and I accepted it as a part of me.

A few months ago I dreaded seeing those posts from bloggers unexpectedly pregnant on their own after IF. Don't get me wrong I was happy for them, but it wasn't without a pang of jealousy and that something like that would never happen to me. I wasn't even sure IVF would result in another pregnancy or baby for us. And DH wasn't interested in treatment again anyway. So when I found myself pregnant on our own I was torn. I knew my sharing would cause pain to others. And now I find myself feeling confused about who I am and where I fit in. I haven't told many IRL about the pregnancy, luckily we live far from family so I don't have to hide the growing bump. But a few who do know gave me that knowing smirk when they found out this was a surprise baby conceived without ART. Commenting that happened to so and so too, or that once a body knows how to get pregnant of course it can do it again on its own. Those comments drive straight to my heart. They are so far from true. I know so many trying to conceieve baby 2+ on their own after ART who simply can't. But my story becomes one that will be repeated by well meaning people who don't know better to infertiles as an example that it will happen for them if they're just patient. Or just relax. Or just don't try. And that sucks. Because it simply isn't true. I know what is happening to us is a miracle. A miracle beyond my wildest dreams and imagination. Something I don't want shared with anyone else in a way that would cause pain, its just too special for that. A friend from MOMs Club, who is the sweetest lady ever, told me about her neighbor who has been trying for 3 years to conceive. She has done IVF and is getting ready to do a frozen embryo transfer. My MOMs Club friend told me she shared my story with her neighbor to try to give her hope that next time will be easier. I wanted to start crying immediately when she told me that. That was exactly the scenario that I didn't want what is happeneing to me to be shared in. I realize how painful it is to hear about these unplanned/unexpected pregnancies after IF for all infertiles.

In no way is this post meant to evoke sympathy or to come across as woes me. I am so incredibly happy and incredibly lucky and I know that. This is not a complaint at all. I just found myself awash with emotions I didn't expect and had to get them out. To try to make sense of the conflicted emotions I've been feeling. As with my last pregnancy there's plenty of survivor's guilt, maybe even a bit more based on the circumstances of conception.

9w 3d

Baby check went well today!! Lil Bit measured 9w1d and had a heart rate in the 160s. My doc said to keep the doppler packed away for a few more weeks, I haven't been able to find a heartbeat with it again. So for now I'll keep away from it, I'm out of gel anyway and Amazon can't get me more until Tuesday. :-) Despite feeling as though the people around me, DH and my mom namely, don't understand my anxiety and fear and keep telling me to just relax, my doctor gets it. She told me if next week I start worrying to just come in for a scan instead of pulling out my doppler. I'm going to try to make it until my next appointment without freaking out. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can...make it until May 25. :-)

8w 5d: Beautiful

These last few days have been really rough. My symptoms have disappeared, well the few I had, and I've physically been feeling good. Not feeling pregnant. My prior symptoms were fatigue and passing nausea. I was having vivid dreams and frequently peeing too. But the last few days I realized those things had stopped. I was terrified. All I wanted was to feel them again. Just for reassurance. Tonight I tried the doppler again, even though I know it is still early. But I heard that beautiful sound of our baby's heartbeat and instantly I was flooded with relief. That strong little gallop washed away my fears and eased my anxious heart and mind. I'm so thankful that my search was successful tonight as I was truly beside myself with worry. I am so thankful to be pregnant.

8w 3d: Hanging In and Poppin' Out

I'm hanging in there. Of course battling all sorts of bad thoughts daily but trying to keep them in check. This is happening for a reason I remind myself umpteen times a day. It's meant to be and everything is going to work out just fine. I've been tired still, but my toddler is pretty active and could wear me out pre-pregnancy so it's not surprising I find myself spending his naptime in bed as well. I have very brief passing periods of nausea and some of the same food aversions as last time. I've had growing and stretching pains here and there. They all feel very familiar so that's reassuring. I was shocked on Monday at 8w when I realized I already popped. I'm certainly showing. At night combined with the bloat I look about how I looked at 5 months last time. It took forever to show last pregnancy so to show so early was something I wasn't expecting. Good news is I get to break out the comfy pants and clothes that much earlier this time. I'm pregnant in pretty much the opposite season this time though so finding things to wear in my current maternity wardrobe may be difficult. I'm anxious to get to the stage where I can use the doppler when I need reassurance. I admit I did Google and find stories of people who could hear at 8w so I tried it. I didn't hear the heartbeat but luckily I didn't freak out because I know its still too early. With my son I heard it at the end of 11w. So for now I'm hanging in there trying to stay calm until the next ultrasound. 7 days to go...

7w 2d

Today was ultrasound day. And what a day it was. I feel as though I'm watching this happen to someone else. It is completely surreal. You know I must be one psycho-memorable-crazy-ass pregnant chick when the two receptionists at my OB's office both recognized and congratulated me. Yep it's me...I'm BAAAAACCCKKKK... I knew the nurses thought I was cray cray but I had no idea it extended to the receptionist staff. I can't help it that my past losses make me a little unsure, obsessed, overly inquisitive, and in need of some serious reassurance especially in the first trimester. But at this point when they congratulated me it felt weird. I felt like I was checking in for my annual so congratulating me for doing an annual exam seemed odd. My head couldn't quite wrap around the true reason for my visit. I mean how could I be pregnant? I didn't have morning monitoring ultrasounds. I didn't have blood draws. I didn't have an egg retrieval or even a transfer. How can I be pregnant??? DH and my son came with for support. My OB was of course thrilled to see my son. We were nervous since he hates the doctor's office he'd have a meltdown, but he was fantastic. He sat in DH's lap quietly and as soon as the baby appeared on the ultrasound screen he pointed and screamed, "BABY!!" DH and I were floored. We certainly didn't tell him we were going to see a baby. I don't think he's ever seen an ultrasound before. But he knew. And as soon as the OB said the baby looked great and had a great heartbeat I started breathing again. So here we are 7w 2d, baby measured 6w 5d with a heart rate in the 150's. We didn't hear our son's heartbeat until around 11 weeks at home, so hearing Baby S's heart so soon was amazing!! Our due date is December 3, the day after our 7 year anniversary. My OB told me they don't deliver at the hospital we had my son at anymore, which was so sad. Our experience with my son was incredible and I was really looking forward to delivering at the same hospital. So we'll have to check out our new options, but for now I'm just focused on making it through the first trimester. My OB didn't want to see me back for 4 weeks but said I could come back sooner for reassurance. So I booked my appointment for 2 weeks from now. I'll need reassurance. Our losses were both between 8-9 weeks so that is my really scary time. So for now things look great. I'm still in shock. But very hopeful, oh so hopeful.

Overanalyzing

Thank you for all the prayers, positive thoughts, and sticky vibes. I really, really appreciate them.

My sanity is hanging by a thread. From the outside I appear fine though thankfully, because DH would be all over it if I didn't. Every feeling, or lack there of, is causing me so much anxiety. I've been napping when my son does because I've been just absolutely exhausted. Until yesterday. Yesterday I felt fine and didn't need a nap. Cue niggling fear in the back of my mind. For the past few nights I felt the same stretching-crampy-but-not-cramps feeling I felt in the early days of my pregnancy with my son. Yesterday I felt fine. And the fear grows. How I'm going to hold it together for the next week is beyond me. As each day passes I find myself more and more worried. If only I had a time machine or even a crystal ball would suffice. I'm trying to stay busy. To keep occupied so hopefully my mind can't wander. But sometimes I can't seem to find anything to do and I find my mind has wandered, without my consent. 7 days to go...

As the Fog Clears

The shock is starting to lift in our household. I don't think it will fully dissipate but I don't feel like I'm walking around in an alternate universe quite so much anymore. The next step is an ultrasound on the 18th. Not quite a two week wait but the next ten days will creep by. On the other hand I often forget what's even happening. I mean it's truly unbelievable. Really. I just can't even comprehend being pregnant without taking drugs, without any doctors, like the old fashioned two people making a baby way. So part of me is in complete denial about what is happening. I know a large part of it is sheer terror. The utter fear of miscarriage. Of finding out this pregnancy isn't viable. I find myself hesitating to connect being pregnant with the actual concrete being of a baby. The pregnancy can be abstract, but a baby...that is so much more. Once I start thinking about a baby my mind wanders to due dates, names, cuddly baby snuggles, my son being a big brother, and so much more that could be lost if this pregnancy doesn't continue. Things I don't know how to cope with losing. So a big part of me is trying so hard to keep this abstract. I know that isn't fair. I hate it. I hate everything about not embracing the miracle that this will hopefully turn out to be. And I know, regardless of how hard I try and how much I tell myself I'm succeeding, there's no way not to become attached. I've talked to this baby and told it how desperately we want it to stay. How it will complete our family. How my son will be an amazing older brother and my husband is an incredible father. How it has defied so many odds at this point that there's no reason to stop now. I've done pretty well at keeping calm. I keep reminding myself that there is nothing anyone can do. If this is meant to be, it will be. If something goes wrong it's not my fault. It's out of our hands. All we can do is wait. And hope.

Symptoms wise it's very similar to when I was pregnant with my son. Tired, tired, tired. Some growing pains in the belly. And hungry pretty often. Now if the next 10 days would hurry up and please, please, please bring good news Wednesday afternoon.

Lack of an Update*Updated*

I had my blood drawn at 9am. As of 6:30 the results were still pending... I miss my fertility clinic's hours later resulting. They told me to call back in a few hours.

Beta #2
2912 doubling time 44.61 hours

Beta #1

1540 ? DPO

It doesn't give us much to work with since we have no idea when I ovulated. I did some more research and found there can be a 5 day window between DTD and fertilization. Then another 10 day window until implantation. When conceiving was in someone else's hands and DTD wasn't imperative I didn't need to know any of this. So I guess technically my guess of 27-29 DPO was probably a few days off, I'm thinking more like 22-24. So now we wait until tomorrow for beta #2 to get a better picture of what's going on in there I guess. Maybe I'm grasping at straws but today I feel some hope. Guardedly hopeful. I owe it to this little one.

Huh?(*ments)

We finished all our testing to be referred back to our fertility clinic, or so we thought. After the referral was submitted my OB was told it would be automatically denied if we didn't do an updated HSG. So despite the fact that we knew we'd be doing IVF again insurance was insisting I spend their money on an HSG. Whatever. Of course I don't have a period with any regularity, so the doctor gave me Provera again to start my period since they will only do the HSG day 7-9 of my cycle. I took the Provera and my period didn't start. Last month it started within 5 days of the last pill and I remembered previously when I've taken it my period would start during the pills or right after. It's been frustrating waiting but I've been pretty zen. I look at my son and know that every hurdle, every step backward, every obstacle we faced had to be faced in the exact way we experienced it in order for us to be blessed with him. So I know that our journey to another child is what it is for a reason. Not that I don't freak out and lose it sometimes when things don't go as I was planning. This morning, despite having bought 5 Powerball tickets last week and not winning the lottery, I took a pregnancy test.

Cue all sorts of feelings that I can't even begin to sort through. Immediately I was mad. Really mad. After two losses two lines doesn't mean baby to me. Honestly at this point I feel like this is just another delay for us on the road to IVF-which has already been delayed multiple times. I hate that I feel that. It's not fair. It just isn't fair. It isn't fair that I see this and immediately I am hurtled into a world where I feel like I'm waiting for our next miscarriage. It's not fair for me to feel angry when I know there are so many who would do anything to find themselves in my shoes. I'm emotionally overwhelmed right now. I want to be happy. I want to believe we beat the odds. I know plenty of families who have busted the urban legend and get pregnant after infertility treatments on their own. One of the scariest things for me right now is I was on a ton of drugs while pregnant with my son. Things I'm not on right now. My first two pregnancies I wasn't on the drugs and they ended without us holding our babes in our arms. So how could this work out? My OB agreed to progesterone supplements but after consulting our old fertility clinic(not my doctor but another), she decided not to give me the Lovenox. I never had bloodwork in their minds that showed it would help but my RE at the time said it couldn't hurt so she agreed to let me take it. And my son was born full term and healthy so I find myself wondering how this could be different? For now the plan is to do two blood tests 2 days apart to see how the betas look. Of course peeing on a stick only tells you there's HCG in your bloodstream, not if there's enough or that things are going well. If the bloodwork looks ok we schedule an ultrasound for 8 weeks, 3 weeks from now. Since we only DTD one time in the last month we know exactly when it happened, although that throws another wrinkle into the whole thing. I took a pregnancy test, not blood, at the hospital on March 20 before starting the Provera-which if this pregnancy is viable and sticks I hope to hell isn't going to cause any problems, and it was negative. That was 2 weeks after DTD so we must have just missed getting a positive test. Now I find myself scrutinizing the darkness of the lines on the two tests I took. We're somewhere around 27-29 DPO and I find myself thinking the line would be darker if this was viable. I'm so rambly, emotional, maybe hormonal-although I feel nothing, and overwhelmed. I just needed to get this all out.

Waiting Game

We are very, very, very(x infinity) lucky to have insurance coverage to help us with our fertility treatments. DH asked me a few weeks ago out of the blue what we needed to do in order to do an IVF cycle in April. I was shocked since until that moment he had me pretty much convinced he wasn't ever going to be interested in having another baby. I didn't waste any time asking why he changed his mind, and I didn't want him to change it back so I didn't ask what led to the change of heart. I simply sent my Gyno a message immediately asking her to enter a referral for us back to our fertility clinic. Her reply instantly reminded me of all the annoying timing issues that go along with conceiving a baby when you can't do it on your own. I'm currently waiting to do bloodwork on the 3rd day of my cycle. One of the reasons I originally knew I'd have trouble conceiving was my lack of periods. Since I quit pumping for my son in July I have only had 2 periods. One was at the beginning of November and the other was at the end of December. We went on vacation last week and I was hoping the entire time that I wouldn't start my period while we were away since I couldn't get bloodwork done on a cruise. I'm about to leave for another week and still no sign of a period. My doctor gave me some meds to start a period when I return. Most people would be thinking they were pregnant at this point, but since I've never been regular I'm sure that's not the case, of course I'll test before initiating a medicine induced cycle just to be sure. The other thing my insurance wants in order to provide a referral is an HSG. My last one was quite traumatic and painful. Annoyingly since we're doing IVF it seems stupid to do another HSG to check to see if my tubes are blocked. They certainly won't be used to get me pregnant so seems like a waste of time to me. So for now we've entered the waiting game stage. Hoping the referral comes through with enough time to schedule an appointment and get things in order so we can cycle in April-May. I'm thankful the next few weeks find me quite busy so I don't have much time to think about what's coming. I don't have time to dwell on how failure will feel. That's a good thing.

Climb on the Guilt Train

I spend a lot of time time lately wading through a sea of guilt. I've carried survivor guilt since having my son. Now I'm feeling guilt for longing for a second child. I feel guilty that I can't get pregnant like a "normal" person. I feel guilty for the time and money that will be expended in a quest for a second child. I feel guilty for the insincere congratulations I've been offering people when they tell me they're expecting their second plus child. I feel guilty for the insidious jealousy that has crept back into my heart associated with babies. I feel guilty that I spend a lot of time feeling sad and incomplete when I am so utterly and incredibly blessed. I feel guilty that this time around there are stipulations that weren't present before.

One of the sticking points in moving forward for myself, and I believe DH too, is the chance of a multiple pregnancy. On the journey to my son we were completely open to whatever number of blessings would be bestowed on us. This time things are a little different. Having first hand experience with an infant under our belts we find ourselves hesitant to bite off more than we can chew. One would think doing IVF would make that pretty easy in most cases since you decide how many embryos to transfer but for us it's a little more complicated. Our first IVF we transferred one and didn't get any frozen. We got pregnant and miscarried. Our second IVF we transferred two on the advice of our RE since we'd had 2 miscarriages after she confirmed we'd be ok with twins and got pregnant with our son. We didn't end up with any frozen. Our clinic has very, very strict criteria for freezing, they pretty much only freeze when they're absolutely sure they'll survive defrosting and my crappy eggs don't do well enough to meet those criteria. Both times we've ended up with a really great blast and a pretty good blast followed by some good blasts, and it is hard to leave them behind knowing they won't make the cut to be frozen. So when we're putting so much time, energy, and emotion into something so huge we want to set ourselves up for success. However we don't want to be overly successful...but who are we to add stipulations to something like this when there's so many people out there who would give anything to have as many babies as they could. So I feel guilty for stipulating that I really only want one more baby, while realizing that the possibility for twins still exists even with a single embryo transfer. And I'm terrified about whether a single embryo transfer will work for us, or just how many SET's would be necessary. DH said the other day that he can only handle one more IVF. Then he proposed pursuing adoption. More guilt from me. I really, really, really want another pregnancy that I can have a chance to enjoy. My last pregnancy I spent every second terrified that it would end at any moment. I feel guilty that I want so badly to have another chance to experience pregnancy that I find it hard to even consider DHs suggestion. Going through labor and delivery and feeding my son for over a year on breastmilk produced by my body made me feel something for my body that I never felt before. I was proud of what it had accomplished. Now that I'm finding myself yearning for another child I'm remembering what it feels like to be angry at your body, to feel betrayed by it, and to curse it for not being "normal". But I remember how good it felt those first few hours after my son was newly born, to look at him and know that my body had done something so right. So incredible. So beyond words, after all those heartbreaking betrayals that led up to my son. I'd love to feel that again. That empowered feeling. I feel guilty about wanting to feel those feelings again too. Ugh so much guilt.

The Journey Begins (Again)

As my son's 18 month birthday rapidly approaches I find myself desperately longing for another baby. It's tough because I remember acutely the pain involved with our first trek down the infertility path. I remember distinctly each pothole and bump we were subjected to. I remember bargaining with whoever was in charge of bringing babies if they'd only bless us with one I promised to be sated. I promised I wouldn't ask for anything else. I promised to be ever thankful if only I could be given one child. And here I am. Asking for another. But don't get it twisted, I'm thankful for the fabulous, amazing, incredible one that I have. Which sort of lends itself to wanting another.

I remember feeling malice towards other patients in the waiting room of the infertility clinic when I found out they had other children. I felt like they were selfish. Like there was a finite amount of success available at the clinic and these women, who already had children, were robbing me of the chance to have just one because they were greedy. And now I'm one of those greedy women.

This time the tango feels different. The stakes are different. The hurdles are different. Last time there was an "I'll do anything. ANYTHING. For a child." This time I have a child already and I am seeking to balance myself between him and the quest to add another child to our family. Sure I want another baby just as badly as before, but now I have someone else's well being to consider. The time spent at the clinic for monitoring, the time spent recovering from an egg retrieval, the time spent at the transfer, the agonizing two week wait spent analyzing every twinge & pinch, all of those moments don't belong to just me anymore. I tell myself that the sibling relationship I'm trying to create for my son far outweighs any time spent attempting to conceive the baby my heart aches for.

Then there's my DH. Our son's birth all but erased the raw, sting of the miscarriages and treatment from my mind. I can recall the feelings acutely when I allow myself to but I choose as much as I can to avoid that practice. It serves no real purpose. DH however is reminded immediately each time I lament my longing for a second child. He remembers the toll the treatments took on me both physically and emotionally. He remembers the pain of failure and being powerless to fix what wasn't working. As badly as I was damaged, I had an outlet. I vented. I cried. I found others who knew how I felt and why I felt what I did. Through them I found a way to cope. Aside from me he carried the burden alone and I believe that has made it harder to release. So while I'm ready to jump into the trenches, he's taking more convincing. Slowly I'm feeling his resistant wall crumbling and I feel he's opening to the idea of scratching the second baby itch.