As my son's 18 month birthday rapidly approaches I find myself desperately longing for another baby. It's tough because I remember acutely the pain involved with our first trek down the infertility path. I remember distinctly each pothole and bump we were subjected to. I remember bargaining with whoever was in charge of bringing babies if they'd only bless us with one I promised to be sated. I promised I wouldn't ask for anything else. I promised to be ever thankful if only I could be given one child. And here I am. Asking for another. But don't get it twisted, I'm thankful for the fabulous, amazing, incredible one that I have. Which sort of lends itself to wanting another.
I remember feeling malice towards other patients in the waiting room of the infertility clinic when I found out they had other children. I felt like they were selfish. Like there was a finite amount of success available at the clinic and these women, who already had children, were robbing me of the chance to have just one because they were greedy. And now I'm one of those greedy women.
This time the tango feels different. The stakes are different. The hurdles are different. Last time there was an "I'll do anything. ANYTHING. For a child." This time I have a child already and I am seeking to balance myself between him and the quest to add another child to our family. Sure I want another baby just as badly as before, but now I have someone else's well being to consider. The time spent at the clinic for monitoring, the time spent recovering from an egg retrieval, the time spent at the transfer, the agonizing two week wait spent analyzing every twinge & pinch, all of those moments don't belong to just me anymore. I tell myself that the sibling relationship I'm trying to create for my son far outweighs any time spent attempting to conceive the baby my heart aches for.
Then there's my DH. Our son's birth all but erased the raw, sting of the miscarriages and treatment from my mind. I can recall the feelings acutely when I allow myself to but I choose as much as I can to avoid that practice. It serves no real purpose. DH however is reminded immediately each time I lament my longing for a second child. He remembers the toll the treatments took on me both physically and emotionally. He remembers the pain of failure and being powerless to fix what wasn't working. As badly as I was damaged, I had an outlet. I vented. I cried. I found others who knew how I felt and why I felt what I did. Through them I found a way to cope. Aside from me he carried the burden alone and I believe that has made it harder to release. So while I'm ready to jump into the trenches, he's taking more convincing. Slowly I'm feeling his resistant wall crumbling and I feel he's opening to the idea of scratching the second baby itch.
Interesting timing to read this: We are currently TTC for #2 also. I am not writing about it on my blog, as there are people IRL who read, and I'm just not ready to go there. In fact, we have told no one at all (IRL) Whereas last time, the whole world knew, including all my coworkers. They knew when my appts were, etc.
ReplyDeleteThe problem we have though, is that we are not going to do IVF. We didn't "need" it for the firs time (although we would have done it had it gotten to that point), so we're not going that route now either. For financial and emotional reasons. BUT, my successful IUI cycle brought us THREE mature follies. We are NOT willing to risk multiples this time around. So..... it's an interesting journey, as I think it's going to take injectibles to bring success again. We will see. We are only on letrozole/IUI at this point, but my same problems as before are still present. (slow growers, causing a Luteal phase defect and issues with my linig). So yeah. Here we are again! DH and I are both very content with just L, but we feel like we owe it to him to try for a sibling.
My babies almost one and I've been thinking of TTC#2 as well. I think about the long journey it took to have him and I pray that we won't have to go through ALL of it again, but I'll do whatever I need to to add to my family.
ReplyDeleteSometimes I feel guilty talking about having #2 when there are still women who are struggling to have #1. I'm sure there are some of those women who would make the comment that we should just be happy we have a baby. But just because we had a baby, doesn't mean that we're not going to struggle to have another one. Once an infertile, always an infertile?!
Sorry, I'm just babling on now. Looking forward to following you on TTC#2!
Yep, tis the season. Everyone who had babies the same time as us seems to be pregnant, trying, or thinking about it.
ReplyDeleteI can only hope that this time will be better for you. I feel like you guys found "what works" with your specific regimen to maintain the pregnancy so I really hope it will be a one shot deal this time! I'll definitely be cheering you on, whenever you decide the time is right. GOOD LUCK!