Realizing and That Old Familiar Burn

Until last week I was feeling pretty good, emotionally. I was celebrating making it to the second trimester by breathing more and worrying less. I told DH before this pregnancy that I wanted my next pregnancy to be one filled with joy and not focused on the constant fear that our history of loss colored my son's pregnancy with. So I was allowing that goal to be achieved. I was living in the moment and celebrating the little mover and shaker who brings a smile to my face with each tiny movement I feel. Of course in the back of my mind a small part of me was aware that things could still go wrong. And last week that was driven home when reading about the tragic losses some brave women in the infertility community shared in their spaces. Since then I've been a mess. While discussing it with DH the other night it finally hit me that I will never be that carefree, worry free pregnant lady. My previous losses have made that impossible.

A few days ago my leg started bothering me. I didn't think much of it, but as the days wore on and the pain increased I started to worry. One of my biggest fears has been the fact that I'm not on Lovenox this pregnancy. I don't have a confirmed clotting disorder. I was on Lovenox with my sons pregnancy sort of as a last ditch throw it at the problem because it can't hurt but could help so let's do it thing. This time I was shut down when I requested to be put on it. That's been bothering me since the beginning and causing me anxiety and worry. So when I started having the pain in my leg I got worried about blood clots in my leg. Today the pain was worse so I called and got an appointment to urgent care. After a blood test that confirmed I could potentially have a blood clot in my leg I was sent to the hospital for an ultrasound of my legs. They didn't find any clots, but the doc said in cases like this if I come back in a week they may well find a clot. So I am now on Lovenox again. I won't lie and say I'm not relieved. It was the one thing missing from our successful recipe last pregnancy, well except all the IVF jazz at the beginning too but I'm not sad to skip that part. It burns like the dickens but it is so, so worth every stinging second.

14 Weeks 1 Day Second Trimester and Baby Pokes

I absolutely cannot believe I am currently in the second trimester. Seriously. I still can't even believe I'm pregnant. I've been feeling Baby move for a few weeks now. DH thought I was nuts when I told him I was certain I felt Baby moving. With my son we weren't sure until around 16 weeks so the fact that between 8-10 weeks I kept insisting it wasn't gas but Baby made him skeptical. My OB said most women feel the second one earlier and she felt certain I knew what I was talking about and was indeed feeling Baby. It isn't the consistent movement that comes later but still a great feeling to feel when it happens. My pants no longer fit but I'm dreading searching for maternity pants. Last time I wore lots of sweats and yoga pants and had a few pairs of work pants. This time I have to leave the house, but not for work, so I don't think sweat pants and yoga pants will cut it. I'm starting to feel my energy returning slowly but surely. Things are going well and I'm feeling good.

ROPL

Today I saw my OB for my monthly appointment. Our First Trimester Screening was at a specialists' office, so although it just happened Friday I still had to see my OB today. I wasn't sure if we'd do an ultrasound. When I was pregnant with my son we had a lot of appointments and ultrasounds at every one of them until about 22 weeks or more. Today I realized I'm considered just a ROPL. Regular 'Ol Pregnant Lady that is. No ultrasound, just a listen with the Doppler. Since I have a Doppler at home and check every few days the appointment seemed kind of silly, but that's ok I guess. Baby sounds great in there. Despite eating at every possible second I've only gained a pound. The old uterus is pressing on my nerve in my groin-thigh area and causing some pinched nerve feelings. My doc assured me it will only get worse as Baby and belly continue to expand. :-) It is not too painful yet so hoping it doesn't escalate. My doc is going on vacation next month so it will be 5 weeks until our next appointment.

12 weeks 4 days First Trimester Screening

This afternoon was our NT scan, or first trimester screening depending on what you call it. I call it a great chance to look at the baby. I've been feeling like the inside of my uterus is very tender this week which has really been freaking me out. It's not painful, but I wouldn't call it pleasant either. I check Baby's heart rate on the doppler every other dayish so I knew things seemed to be ok in there aside from the tenderness. I took my mom, who is visiting, to the appointment this afternoon to give her a chance to experience just how much ultrasound has changed since I was a fuzzy blob on one. She was amazed at just how baby-like Baby looked today. I'm pretty sure we had the same ultrasound tech today two years ago and the geneticist we talked to told me she was the one we saw when we were there two years ago too. I remembered her instantly as well. Everything looked great today!! Baby was nice and still for measurements but did a little wiggling once they were done. Heart rate was 168bpm. That's right around where my sons' always were. It's still very surreal to me. Wonderful and surreal. Unbelievable and surreal.

Belonging...or maybe not...

In 2007 at the tender young age of 24 I found myself joining a community I always suspected I belonged to. At a time in my life when I was celebrating my second wedding anniversary and still finding out who I was I was diagnosed with infertility. I was finding myself in the world, making mistakes, and learning who I wanted to be. And one day I was faced with a diagnosis that changed my life completely. Infertility made me who I am: as a parent, as a partner, as a person. In the three years it took to finally hold my beautiful newborn son in my arms infertility had molded me into who I would be for the rest of my life. I take nothing for granted. I realize how precious all things are, most importantly life. How hard fought it is to actually have a pregnancy survive from conception and become a gorgeous babe cuddled in your arms. I've dealt with loss and triumphed in the end. I've faced reality and truly believed I'd never be a mother. I've had highs and I've had lows. And each and every one of my days since my diagnosis has been touched by infertility. It is who I am. I am an infertile. It has shaped how I parent. Each decision weighed heavily against the battle it was to bring him into this world.  When I found the infertility blogging community I felt like I'd found my home. A safe place to belong. People who had been there. People who finally knew and understood what I was feeling. These were my people. I celebrated with them. I mourned with them. We supported each other's successes and helped heal through the heartbreaks. And now I find myself unexpectedly pregnant after primary infertility. And suddenly I'm lost. Left without a community. I still consider myself an infertile. It still defines me and how I make my decisions, but I struggle daily with how to reconcile what is happening. I certainly can't compare myself to someone struggling in the trenches of infertility, primary or secondary. I'm not pregnant after treatment, so I guess that makes me just plain old "pregnant". But my personal identity, the person who I see myself as, is an infertile. I can't see myself without that component. It has been a part of me for too long and I accepted it as a part of me.

A few months ago I dreaded seeing those posts from bloggers unexpectedly pregnant on their own after IF. Don't get me wrong I was happy for them, but it wasn't without a pang of jealousy and that something like that would never happen to me. I wasn't even sure IVF would result in another pregnancy or baby for us. And DH wasn't interested in treatment again anyway. So when I found myself pregnant on our own I was torn. I knew my sharing would cause pain to others. And now I find myself feeling confused about who I am and where I fit in. I haven't told many IRL about the pregnancy, luckily we live far from family so I don't have to hide the growing bump. But a few who do know gave me that knowing smirk when they found out this was a surprise baby conceived without ART. Commenting that happened to so and so too, or that once a body knows how to get pregnant of course it can do it again on its own. Those comments drive straight to my heart. They are so far from true. I know so many trying to conceieve baby 2+ on their own after ART who simply can't. But my story becomes one that will be repeated by well meaning people who don't know better to infertiles as an example that it will happen for them if they're just patient. Or just relax. Or just don't try. And that sucks. Because it simply isn't true. I know what is happening to us is a miracle. A miracle beyond my wildest dreams and imagination. Something I don't want shared with anyone else in a way that would cause pain, its just too special for that. A friend from MOMs Club, who is the sweetest lady ever, told me about her neighbor who has been trying for 3 years to conceive. She has done IVF and is getting ready to do a frozen embryo transfer. My MOMs Club friend told me she shared my story with her neighbor to try to give her hope that next time will be easier. I wanted to start crying immediately when she told me that. That was exactly the scenario that I didn't want what is happeneing to me to be shared in. I realize how painful it is to hear about these unplanned/unexpected pregnancies after IF for all infertiles.

In no way is this post meant to evoke sympathy or to come across as woes me. I am so incredibly happy and incredibly lucky and I know that. This is not a complaint at all. I just found myself awash with emotions I didn't expect and had to get them out. To try to make sense of the conflicted emotions I've been feeling. As with my last pregnancy there's plenty of survivor's guilt, maybe even a bit more based on the circumstances of conception.

9w 3d

Baby check went well today!! Lil Bit measured 9w1d and had a heart rate in the 160s. My doc said to keep the doppler packed away for a few more weeks, I haven't been able to find a heartbeat with it again. So for now I'll keep away from it, I'm out of gel anyway and Amazon can't get me more until Tuesday. :-) Despite feeling as though the people around me, DH and my mom namely, don't understand my anxiety and fear and keep telling me to just relax, my doctor gets it. She told me if next week I start worrying to just come in for a scan instead of pulling out my doppler. I'm going to try to make it until my next appointment without freaking out. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can...make it until May 25. :-)

8w 5d: Beautiful

These last few days have been really rough. My symptoms have disappeared, well the few I had, and I've physically been feeling good. Not feeling pregnant. My prior symptoms were fatigue and passing nausea. I was having vivid dreams and frequently peeing too. But the last few days I realized those things had stopped. I was terrified. All I wanted was to feel them again. Just for reassurance. Tonight I tried the doppler again, even though I know it is still early. But I heard that beautiful sound of our baby's heartbeat and instantly I was flooded with relief. That strong little gallop washed away my fears and eased my anxious heart and mind. I'm so thankful that my search was successful tonight as I was truly beside myself with worry. I am so thankful to be pregnant.